Things have shifted gears for me. Incredibly, I lost the clanks a day or two back. All that remains on that front is some insomnia and, when sleep does come, lavish night-sweats which cause me to wake up in abrupt, unpleasant circumstances - tangled in wet flannalette and wild of hair, eye and mind - earlier and earlier each morning. Six...five-thirty...five - do you have any idea how unwelcomingly cold and dark and foggy the world appears in those first few minutes having woken up in a toxic lather at five a.m. in June? No, I don't suppose you do, because I imagine you have your sanity and wits about you. However, you're reading this blog, so who really knows? Even my cats, who are almost eternally up in my face with reminders to deliver them their next meal and to make it snappy don't much care for the new hours I'm keeping. I'm actually enjoying the irriation they experience at these early hours when I sweep them off the bed with one savage shake of my fetid bedding and send them flying around the room; it's retributive, and who among us doesn't love dishing out a little gentle retribution? Incredibly, given the hour and all, they mostly manage to land elegantly and on their feet, after they slide down off the walls and ceiling.
Anyways, I think after a week of being dangerously adrift my head has returned to its moorings. I felt to be in control of my faculties enough to drive my car this morning and had considerable success keeping it out of ditches, shrubbery and the path of oncoming traffic. This gave me a sense of great satisfaction and over-all well being and I came home and immediately lapsed into a disembodied kind of auto-piloting state that saw me undertake a series of strange, fiddly domestic tasks in an altogether speedy and euphoric frame of mind. Several hours later I've wound down a little and am still now walking into different rooms in my house wondering who reconfigured the furniture, how the heating vents have become so free of dust and debris and why the fuck my bookshelves have been emptied, pine-o-cleaned and rearranged in a complicated system combining, as far as I can make out, the alphabetic and the thematic.
I feel lethal and feisty and lucid of soul, spirit and demeanor all at the same time and if that makes minimal sense I believe another way of putting it is I think I feel a bit better..