Friday, 15 July 2011

Gasnier's Last Squirt of the Sauce.

I was thinking today. I do this sometimes, it passes the time.
Here's a selection.

1. Bulldog fans are fat, ugly, and hopelessly deluded. Triple threats, in other words. How's this for optimism:
"Stay true bulldog fans! Our triumph will be of 2004 proportions when we get through this rough patch." 
Rough patch? They're not the two words I would have chosen, but I suppose we can fill in the gaps on our own. That is a team mired in misery, isn't it? Even Andrew Ryan looks sad - not 'sad because my facial features are arranged in an unusual fashion sad', but actually, legitimately sad. He said last night post-loss that the Doggies
"need to, uh, have a bit of a look at ourselves, all 17 of us"
and it damn near broke my heart. And I hate the Bulldogs. By the way, that quote is typical, wildly understated footy-speak for "WE'RE FUCKED. WE KNOW WE'RE FUCKED. NEXT." 

The Bulldogs, 2011.

2. The song Crimson and Clover. I thought about it because I listened to it about thirteen times. Tell me this song doesn't make you want to go lose your virginity in a meadow all over again. Exactly. I can't imagine ever saying such a thing about another song either, it's that fucking good.

3. Lady Gaga's Sydney visit. We are Australians. We need a token international celebrity flown in to validate us every now and again. This is an integral part of the Australian cultural experience, and one we all understand, especially around our *ahem* awards seasons. Giving Gaga the keys to the fucking city though? I cringed. Then I saw her trying to mount and molest Clover Moore during the presentation and all my uncomfortable, cultural-cringey feelings dissloved, because she looked like more of a fool than we as a nation ever could. That's what I call validation. Viva Australia!

4. Mal Meninga is a nasty whiny bitch. And possibly a crackhead. How else to account for his wild claims? A conspiracy against Queensland that the NRL, the ARL, and the entire state of New South Wales - including the NSW media and the Blues coaching staff -was in on? That is some deluded cracktalk right there, bitch is badly paranoid and in a bad way if he believes that. Missed it? Here's some of what he wrote in Brisbane's Sunday Mail:
"It was a victory against the very rats and filth that tried to poison a monumenatl team with lies, personal attacks, arrogance and disrespect. But rather than be a cause for celebration, the Queensland team this year found itself the victim of a smear campaign so mailicious and orchestrated that it tainted the entire code of rugby league."
Holy shit, how high is this guy? I mean, in his eyes he is nailed up on the cross right now and awaiting resurrection. Still, this is the man who jumped ship to take the money and join the Super League in 1997 and asked, as explaination
"What has rugby league ever given me?",
and if that doesn't indicate that something has long been lacking in terms of this guy's essential decency then nothing will.

5. My thoughts surrounding Mark Gasnier announcing his retirement range from mildly to wildly inappropriate. Not because I'm mad or sad or feel betrayed or anything, nothing that ordinary. No, my feelings on the matter are more abstract, by which I mean my feelings toward Gaz are inextricably tied up with the whole sauce squirting scandal circa 2005. I just feel that any man who would announce his intentions via a random woman's message bank by saying
"There's four toey humans in a cab", and then back it up with
"Fire up you sad cunt!" 
 is a man worth knowing.

And, what the hell, he only just bulked up again after coming back from France as an emaciated Birkenstock-wearing husk last year, WHAT THE HELL, GAZ?

Has he had that baby and got a glimpse into The Void or something? YOU'RE ONLY 29, GAZ! I feel like what is needed here is for Gaz to be fed some of his own words - namely, to be told to FIRE UP. Yes, his announcement does have me slightly rattled, well spotted.

I take some comfort in the fact that I am not alone in this. Over on the Twitter, someone else - also a man worth knowing, I suspect - responded to the news with four perfectly chosen words:
"Toey human number one?"
My.Thoughts.Exactly. Vale, Gaz.

Toey Humans numbers 1 and 2 and Public Urinater number 2 aka Watmough

My brother has a halarious story about the time he saw Gaz on North Curl Curl beach with two girls and a surfboard. I can't re-tell it because too much context is needed, besides which I just said it's halarious so that's way too much pressure for me. Suffice to say that Gaz comes out of it looking just as endearingly foolish and dimwitted as he normally does, so no alarms, no surprises.

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